Vagina Repellent – 2016 Edition

I’m driving down a busy street in my electric Chevy Volt (yes, an admitted nominee for repellant). While stopped at a light, a man pulls up next to me in the bike lane. He’s wearing pajama pants tucked into white, mid-calf tube socks, an embroidered back pack, and a silly biker helmet. This was the […]

Girlfriend Causes Writer’s Block

I’ve done some statistical analysis of my writing habits as they relate to my relationship status and found that having a girlfriend pretty much fucks my flow. This is my flaw, not hers. You see, I’m not easily offended. In fact, the one thing that offends me most is easily offended people. You’d find most […]

Solitaire is Best Played Alone

Ever try playing Solitaire or Sudoku, or completing a crossword puzzle with someone over your shoulder? Not so much fun, is it? The uninvited player always has suggestions. Those suggestions, while possibly useful, are usually taken as, “Why are you trying to make me look stupid? I can figure this out on my own.” Being […]

Facebook Love is PDA

… and, it’s gross. Being in a relatively permanent state of singledom, my cynicism gets the best of me, again. That’s why I hate happy couple pictures. “Look at us. Look how happy we are with each other. We are a perfect match. Soul mates. Look at these smiles. You only wish you could find […]

I am the Drug

Do you ever wonder what your role is in others’ lives? Does it matter? Sure. If nothing other than surviving this silliness as long as possible, what could be more important than enhancing someone’s life? I feel used, and I welcome it. If she texts me late tonight, I’ll respond. I’ve done it before. “Are […]

Sex Injury

My buddy had to bow out of playing in a baseball game this weekend due to a foot injury. It happens. Perhaps he dropped a heavy object or twisted it while chasing a criminal? No. He hurt it fucking. Now, I’m old and brittle. Sure, I injure myself more often. There are more aches, pains, […]

Trackers

Remember when Fitbit first came out? How cool! A watch that will count your steps and reward you with a vibration announcing your achievement of 10,000 steps. Then, capabilities expanded to include sleep and weight tracking. All of this conveniently uploaded through WiFi to a website to track progress. I’m a gadget head. I had […]

Third Wheel

Any number of fun things come in threes—tricycles, bar stools, strikes. When the happy couple invites you along, embrace it. You’re an adult. (If not, put this book down immediately and tell mommy to feed you fucking donuts.) You can entertain yourself, can’t you? If the other wheels begin playing kissy face, look away. I […]

Trump got you down? Need a laugh?

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Insecurity Wanes

Have you ever thought about how your insecurity has changed over the years? Jealousy and envy seem to fade as we age. I remember being crippled by the thought of my high school sweetheart so much as kissing another boy. Now, if my woman is getting side action, I give minuscule shit, as long as […]

Holding It

This can’t be something only I experience, can it? Is it a nervous reaction? Perhaps, something to do with aging, or my some-would-say poor diet choices? Can’t be solely a male thing, either. OK, I’m going to let it out, and you tell me if you can relate. PFFFBBLT! (Excuse me.) Quite often, when I […]

What Makes a Hot Mess?

The phrases of the year so far must be “literally” and “hot mess.” In fact, I’ve heard them literally used in the same sentence. I understand the word “literally.” Yes, I realize it is used improperly most of the time, so I avoid it lest I trigger the red-penned wrath of my editors. I also […]

Hitting on Her

I drag myself to the gym and reluctantly climb aboard my latest nemesis: the curved self-powered treadmill. Next to me is one of the gym’s trainers who is off duty and riding a stationary bike. She’s 30ish and adorable, as one would expect. I appreciate her like a Ferrari—from a safe distance. In the measly […]

Trump Lies for the Bedroom

If I give you a compliment or tell you something you want to believe, you probably think I’m being honest. That’s how Trump has found so much political success, when he deserves absolutely none. He keeps telling masses of people what they want to hear, while he is well aware he is spouting lies. Then, […]

Tasty is the Foot

Often, when trying to lighten the mood, clowns like me serve a verbal gem that winds up causing a good foot chewing. We forget that the things we find amusing may not be taken as intended, or the timing of the delivery has room for improvement. I consider myself a master of crassness and poor […]