How To Date Festive Men

festive

Got your eyes on a fellow proudly wearing an ugly sweater? If he has on a Santa cap, and is defiling a wine glass with an obnoxious ornament, he’s got you gooey? Please tell me he doesn’t have mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway. He does? Lovely. Well, I hope you are introverted, because there’s […]

How To Date Childlike Men

manbabies

You may have read that title, and suspected that I meant childish, not childlike. Au contraire, mon frere. Whereas this tome has been quite childish at times, I’m referring to men who want to be treated like children. Yes, they exist, as do motherly women who accommodate their desires. Take, for example, the trending act […]

How To Date Shy Men

shyguy

I realize most women find confidence attractive. I’ve seen men who have no chance of bedding certain women overcome daunting obstacles—height, weight, hair plugs, Hawaiian shirts—with attitude. I find most of these men to be detestable braggarts. Perhaps, you do as well. Maybe that’s why you prefer quietly secure men. I applaud you with a […]

How To Date Romantic Men

romanticmen

Romance is subjective. Do you agree? I don’t care, actually, because I’m writing this, so deal with my perversion of the subject at hand, or put down this book, wipe, and get back to work. Guess that wasn’t so romantic of me. Apologies. Now, every woman I meet dreams of being swept off her feet […]

How To Date Young Men

youngmen

You naughty, spotted beast, you! Now, what possible joy could a much younger man bring you? Orgasm, schmorgasm. According to Wikipedia, men over the age of forty are twice as likely to bring a woman to orgasm in under twenty minutes. (OK, maybe I’m making this up.) Why you gotta be so superficial, yo? Whatever. […]

How To Date Longtime Single Men

mancave

Specifically, I’m referring to men who have previously cohabitated with the finer sex, but not in the past five plus years. Why is this its own genre? Because we—I mean they are rare birds, requiring special handling. As a man spends more and more time alone, or with pets, he begins to develop an intolerance. […]

How To Date Lumbersexuals

Lumbersexual

Well, this is a new type of rugged dude, eh? His face resembles the turf in Green Bay after a muddy October game—patches of scraggly fuzz. His closet contains three plaid flannel shirts, each with cigarette burns and missing buttons. He probably has stretched-out knit caps, too-tight jeans, and boots with laces dangling. You like? […]

How To Date Lazy Men

lazymen

Here’s a pet peeve of mine: Dirty dishes left in the sink or, worse yet, on the counter above the dishwasher. The person who does this is, indeed, lazy. This person needs to be smitten (not the loving kind). So, if this sort of nonsense annoys you, don’t date a lazy man. He’s had way […]

How To Date The Other Man

Man proposing to unsure woman

I’m sure you’ve had this happen, multiple times: You’re on a ponderous date with Mr. Tedium and, lo and behold, right across from you appears Mr. Moreright. You don’t want to be rude, but “oh, my gawd,” this new guy is just dreamy. The date you’re on is heading nowhere. Heck, you’ll probably feign a […]

How To Date Men at a Titty Bar

stripper

If you’re not a stripper, you can skip this. Then again, the man you date might occasionally visit such an establishment, so you might as well understand how he’s treated. If you are a stripper, I’m sitting on my hands, I don’t have my wallet right now, and no, I don’t want a fucking VIP […]

How To Date Republican Men

repub

Why don’t you go adopt a puppy instead? Have you considered full on lesbianism? Why not? Guys suck, in general. You wouldn’t need to worry about getting knocked up. Think of the Greenhouse Effect: Gaseous emissions in your bedroom would be greatly reduced. There are a few rich liberals out there, you know. Fuck. Just […]

How To Date Confident Men

confident

He’s a well-established man with a plan, and you might be part of it. Pay no attention to that alter ego behind the curtain. The man you want is in your face. He has a richly scented air about him. He doesn’t need you; he wants to embellish himself with you. You’re OK with that? […]

How To Date Tall Men

tall

Finally, you get to break out those five-inchers you could never wear with the ex. You’ll sport a perky, bouncy butt for Big Ben to enjoy. Wonderful! The benefits of having a tall fellow around far outweigh the drawbacks. You can have him fetch rarely-used plates from top shelves. He can dust the tops of […]

How To Date Brown Men

brown

Sensitive? Me? Not really—OK, around the nipples a bit. But, if you’re easily offended (Really? And, you made it this far?), best skip this chapter. Like purses and shoes, men come in different colors. I don’t care what color man you prefer any more than I care what color clutch you carry. Still, certain shades […]

How To Date Yoga Men

yogi

Heterosexual men who do yoga do it for one of two reasons: to meet women or to get more limber … while meeting women. So, if you find a cutie in your class, you can be confident that he wouldn’t mind downward doggy-styling you. I don’t do yoga. Yes, I know I should for various […]