Radio Silence


This is one of my specialties, also known as the smoke bomb, walk-off, or fuck-n-duck. I’d say it’s around 50/50 on how many times I’m been on either end. Like Don Miguel Ruiz says, don’t take it personally. Some people like closure; some people like silence. I’m the latter—numb from unwanted feedback. Here’s the main […]

She Likes The Fifty


When a new woman asks where I work, I usually say, “At home. My boss is a prick.” Once she realizes I am unmarried, and the prick is me, the next question concerns my occupation, then what I’ve written, and what the books are about. I can usually find common ground around The Fifty Shades […]

FREE on Kindle this week: How to Date Men by Phil Torcivia


FREE on Kindle this week. How to Date Men by Phil Torcivia. “ I come..Hilarious Read!” – BookLover

Thoughts of a Purse Dog


Christ, I have to piss. This sucks. Can’t even lick myself. Fuck. Yes, lady, I know I’m cute. Lovely. Want to trade places? You sit your baby-talking ass in this leather cell, and see how you like it. Nope, can’t bring your chardonnay with you. Just you. Oh, you’ll get your head shugga-shugga’d occasionally. You […]

My Echo


Amazon released this new gizmo called Echo that sits around, waiting for your command. You can tell it to play a song, add an appointment, or give a weather forecast. Interesting. Naturally, with my twisted mind, I’m wondering how my Echo would respond to me. “Hey, Alexa.” “Yes?” “Play some George Michael.” “Fag.” “What? You […]

How Women Describe Women


If you’re single, like me, and you have female friends who are not mating options (rare, I know), you’re going to need a guide to understanding how they rate their gender mates. For example, if you hear the description, “She has had some work done,” what should you expect? First, the woman who says this […]

Slimy, Happy People


When I meet you, am I meeting you, or the sugar-coated version of what you’d like me to see? California is the land of fakes, so I’ve grown accustomed to certain customs like this. I find myself playing the role, too—saying please, and thank you, when I mean, “go fuck yourself.” Wouldn’t we all be […]

Advice for Recently-Single Men


Trim your ball hair. More on that later. Some of my fifty-ish friends are finding their nests vacant. The sting of depression begins to wear off as they consider the exciting prospect of rediscovering love. Like a calf staggering after leaving the vagina, they seek my guidance in how to get back in. I’ve been […]

Slave to the Reviews


Do you find yourself checking the ratings of products on Amazon, and movies on Netflix before buying them? Of course, you do. You also realize how easy it is to manipulate these ratings, right? I can easily hire fifty people to tell you this book is five stars, and better than The Hunger Games. (It’s […]

Yes, Jerry, PC is Creepy


Jerry Seinfeld went on Late Night with Seth Meyers, and expressed his disgust with the tightening of the PC noose. There’s one of the cleanest, funniest comics in history, and he is frustrated. Where does that leave the rest of us who like to curse, tease, and look at nipples? Are we mega-bullies? Should we […]



Do you have a friend or relative who is slightly recluse or introverted? Or, perhaps you are greedy with your space, like I am. If so, you can relate to the anxiety caused by playing hotel keeper. If not, there are things you need to know about this special person before you spend the night. […]

Think Before You Cheat


I’ve been on both ends of this, and cheatee is the shittier and of that stick. Finding the one you love in the arms of another will cause you irreparable damage. No amount of therapy or prescription drugs will cure it. It’s a thunderous kick to the balls of the ego. So, I beg you, […]

Strange Behavior


If you do something strange, I’m going to react. Why? Because I’m human—built that way. Guess what else? Nobody gets to tell me how I should react. Well, they can tell me, but that certainly won’t influence my reaction, and I’m too old and crusty to feel bad about it. Don’t you hate when you’re […]

Privacy? What Privacy?


People often ask why I don’t use a pen name, especially because I’m crude, rude, and socially unacceptable. They assume it’s a part of my narcissism. Nope. I’m simply too lazy to hide. I’m also aware that anyone with a browser and Internet access can pretty much find my contact information, residence, work history, etc. […]

What We Think of Him


Here’s a little insight from too-honest me to all of you ladies who can’t resist posting photos of you and your love leach. Almost nobody likes them, even if they “like” them. It’s not a jealousy thing, or even misery looking for company. It’s just us, the uncaring mass. It’s similar when I see happy […]