Slump-Breaker

Allow me to assist those of you who might be unfamiliar with the term (women). It stems from baseball. When a hitter is struggling over a long period, his teammates will suggest he find a slump-breaker. That “thing” is usually non-baseball related. He is encouraged to do something out of the ordinary to break the […]

Cute

“My girlfriend thinks you’re cute.” “Yeah?” “Sure. Look. Here’s her text.” (It’s a Bitmoji of my admirer winking with the caption, “He’s cute.”) “Right. But, is that cute like a puppy or a mate?” “What do you think?” “Fuck if I know. While I totally appreciate the compliment, it would be nice to know if […]

Despicably Quotable Me

I realize it’s somewhat narcissistic, but I signed up for Mention.com to track my “brand.” My last name is uncommon, so when it shows in a new search result, it’s usually attached to adjectives like “vulgar” and “irreverent.” Meh. I’ll take it. Today, I was notified that I was quoted on Wiktionary. Seems my use […]

Team Cross-Sex

Do we really need someone yelling encouragement to do what’s good for us? That annoyance should have ended with, “Eat your lima beans or no Oreos for you.” We don’t need trainers or teammates telling us to do one more rep. I hated having a spotter while benching. A man’s sweaty nuts inches from my […]

Welcome Back, Beaver

I feared she was gone forever. Hairless cats are not cute. Neither are hairless beavers. For whatever reason(s) in recent years, ladies have insisted upon shaving or lasering off all of their curlies. Well, if some man was behind this travesty, he needs a good beating. The reasons for intentionally balding the beavski might include: […]

How to Make Her Scream

Catchy title, right? I often browse through recommended titles on my Kindle and find interesting ditties. I’m always up for advice, especially when it comes to landing a mate. You never know when someone will come up with a fresh idea for hooking a mate and keeping her on the hook (instead of sneaking around […]

Uber Sex

Wow, times have really changed since I filled out my first Yahoo! Dating profile. It was all about being somewhat serious, embellishing where necessary, and sprinkling in the occasional brag. Then, it was off to the hunting grounds to find a mate who lied at a similar level. Now, tap your Uber app, and in […]

No Means Try Harder?

Sorry, but I was taught at an early age (with a wooden spoon, etc.) that “No” means “NO.” Hence, when I ask for something, especially from a woman, once I hear “No,” off I go. Recently, I had a woman tell me that “No” sometimes means, “No, but, maybe if you try harder, YES.” Are […]

Tinder Tapout

Thank you, Nikki Glaser, for this fun reminder of how dick-driven men are. In case you haven’t seen her show (get out from under that rock), this involves setting up a fake Tinder profile with hot girl photos. Then, men are sought out for chatting. Once connected, ladies begin taking turns responding to the man-fish, […]

The Magical Jacket

Lesson number one in the traveler’s handbook for Las Vegas includes the suggestion to never buy anything in a casino store. Still, to get the blood flowing in my legs after feeding $200 into the bar-top video poker machine, I’ll peruse the fancy shops. Sometimes it’s fun to play “Name that Price” in the Rolex […]

Philsy, are you queer, boy?

I slept with a woman, recently. (It happens.) We both also happened to be tipsy. She had a boyfriend. I had naught, except more years of wear and tear. She wanted to cuddle. I cuddled. She had lovely parts I wanted to explore. I couldn’t. Then, she asked, “Are you gay?” “What? No! Why do […]

Good Richard

Seems the penis needs more discussion. If it’s not your cup of pee, lick a finger and flip the page. I’ve been hearing a lot about penis recently, so it goes here. The ladies who treat me platonically aren’t shy about discussing penises (peni?) around me, the proud owner of one (penum), which has been […]

Stumpy

This whole “Nice Guy” thing started when I heard the phrase used to describe me. Whenever there’s a “nice” there’s usually a nasty “but” following. It could be the typical reasons: But he’s too old. But he isn’t a good Christian fellow. But he’s a player. But he has cats. But he drinks too much. […]

Go Get Your Man

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where your eyes meet a stranger’s eyes, and you feel chills telling you this could be the one? Of course, you have. So, what do you do about it? Do you smile? Wink? Wave him over? Or, do you calmly wait for him to be the man […]

Your Nudity: What’s it Worth?

Erin Andrews just won a $55 million (*gulp*) suit against a creep and a clumsy hotel chain. I’m a huge fan of hers. She’s adorable and one of the most knowledgeable sports reporters around, both genders considered. I can see how she was traumatized by this peeping twat. She deserved remuneration, and I’m glad she […]