"I'm one relationship disaster away from my third cat."
(quote by Pythagoras) I’ve been waiting for this version for decades: Rosetta Stone Woman. I’ve quickly advanced through the first three levels, and am nearly fluent. It’s embarrassing how often I’ve misunderstood common phrases, thinking I had some unique insight into that complicated language. For example, did you know what “Gosh, I can’t recall having [...]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. In light of recent studies showing smoking marijuana may cure diabetes and Crohn’s disease, scientists have discovered other fascinating uses for the wonder-bud. Case #1: Homosexuality – Scientists interviewed Bruce, a lover of many men until he polished off half a blunt, and wound up with his penis inside a woman. “What [...]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. The San Diego school board has decided to allow sexual harassment charges to stand against high school students who were filmed dancing. In addition, the board has established a strict dress code to prevent further offenses. Girls must now dress in black burqas and wear President Nixon masks. Boys are required to [...]
(quote by Jim Rohn) In today’s news, Angelina Jolie has been called a hero for making her boobies go bye-bye. Her choice made sense, since doctors estimated she had an 87% risk of breast cancer because of a faulty gene. Yet, I never realized one could be called a hero for rescuing oneself from something [...]
(quote by John Berryman) Why won’t men ask for directions? Because, to do so strips us of a sliver of manhood each time. We boldly go forth, and confidently proclaim “we’ll get there.” This draws ire and confusion from ladies and children. “Mom, why are we driving around the block?” “Because your father is too [...]
(quote by Thomas Edison) Mate hunting may not be better in the future, but it will certainly be different. We’ve gone from clubbing with a club to clubbing at a club. The next logical step will involve the evil machines we carry: phones. People over share already, and it’s only going to get worse. I’m [...]
(quote by Jerry Seinfeld) There are times when I wear my vasectomy scars proudly. When I see a bubbly little girl jogging around the kitchen while giggling, I think about how cute she is and, for a moment, I wonder if I’m missing out on one of Nature’s finest blessings. Then, she stops, puts on [...]
(quote by Oliver Wendell) 33 teenagers in the San Diego area were banned from attending prom and graduation because of participating in a twerking video. I heard the word “twerk” before, but never knew what it meant. I figured it was a combination of two words, like “twat” and “jerk” or “tweak” and “work.” Still, [...]
(quote by Wayne Dyer) I’ve been inspired. NBA center Jason Collins has come out as gay in an essay he wrote for Sports Illustrated. What a brave thing to do, in today’s day and age. Much like when I see someone devour a medium-rare prime rib au jus, I can’t resist. I need to come [...]
For immediate release. OKLAHOMA CITY – (Where the carrot cake comes sweeping down the buffet.) In light of Claire Crawford‘s (a.k.a. skinny bitch) piece written for CBS Houston regarding the chunkiness of one absolutely delicious cheerleader, the OKC Thunder have decided to push the cheesy fries further by hiring Governor Chris Christie onto the squad. [...]
