Sex Injury

My buddy had to bow out of playing in a baseball game this weekend due to a foot injury. It happens. Perhaps he dropped a heavy object or twisted it while chasing a criminal? No. He hurt it fucking. Now, I’m old and brittle. Sure, I injure myself more often. There are more aches, pains, […]

Trackers

Remember when Fitbit first came out? How cool! A watch that will count your steps and reward you with a vibration announcing your achievement of 10,000 steps. Then, capabilities expanded to include sleep and weight tracking. All of this conveniently uploaded through WiFi to a website to track progress. I’m a gadget head. I had […]

Third Wheel

Any number of fun things come in threes—tricycles, bar stools, strikes. When the happy couple invites you along, embrace it. You’re an adult. (If not, put this book down immediately and tell mommy to feed you fucking donuts.) You can entertain yourself, can’t you? If the other wheels begin playing kissy face, look away. I […]

Trump got you down? Need a laugh?

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Insecurity Wanes

Have you ever thought about how your insecurity has changed over the years? Jealousy and envy seem to fade as we age. I remember being crippled by the thought of my high school sweetheart so much as kissing another boy. Now, if my woman is getting side action, I give minuscule shit, as long as […]

Holding It

This can’t be something only I experience, can it? Is it a nervous reaction? Perhaps, something to do with aging, or my some-would-say poor diet choices? Can’t be solely a male thing, either. OK, I’m going to let it out, and you tell me if you can relate. PFFFBBLT! (Excuse me.) Quite often, when I […]

What Makes a Hot Mess?

The phrases of the year so far must be “literally” and “hot mess.” In fact, I’ve heard them literally used in the same sentence. I understand the word “literally.” Yes, I realize it is used improperly most of the time, so I avoid it lest I trigger the red-penned wrath of my editors. I also […]

Hitting on Her

I drag myself to the gym and reluctantly climb aboard my latest nemesis: the curved self-powered treadmill. Next to me is one of the gym’s trainers who is off duty and riding a stationary bike. She’s 30ish and adorable, as one would expect. I appreciate her like a Ferrari—from a safe distance. In the measly […]

Trump Lies for the Bedroom

If I give you a compliment or tell you something you want to believe, you probably think I’m being honest. That’s how Trump has found so much political success, when he deserves absolutely none. He keeps telling masses of people what they want to hear, while he is well aware he is spouting lies. Then, […]

Tasty is the Foot

Often, when trying to lighten the mood, clowns like me serve a verbal gem that winds up causing a good foot chewing. We forget that the things we find amusing may not be taken as intended, or the timing of the delivery has room for improvement. I consider myself a master of crassness and poor […]

Slump-Breaker

Allow me to assist those of you who might be unfamiliar with the term (women). It stems from baseball. When a hitter is struggling over a long period, his teammates will suggest he find a slump-breaker. That “thing” is usually non-baseball related. He is encouraged to do something out of the ordinary to break the […]

Cute

“My girlfriend thinks you’re cute.” “Yeah?” “Sure. Look. Here’s her text.” (It’s a Bitmoji of my admirer winking with the caption, “He’s cute.”) “Right. But, is that cute like a puppy or a mate?” “What do you think?” “Fuck if I know. While I totally appreciate the compliment, it would be nice to know if […]

Despicably Quotable Me

I realize it’s somewhat narcissistic, but I signed up for Mention.com to track my “brand.” My last name is uncommon, so when it shows in a new search result, it’s usually attached to adjectives like “vulgar” and “irreverent.” Meh. I’ll take it. Today, I was notified that I was quoted on Wiktionary. Seems my use […]

Team Cross-Sex

Do we really need someone yelling encouragement to do what’s good for us? That annoyance should have ended with, “Eat your lima beans or no Oreos for you.” We don’t need trainers or teammates telling us to do one more rep. I hated having a spotter while benching. A man’s sweaty nuts inches from my […]

Welcome Back, Beaver

I feared she was gone forever. Hairless cats are not cute. Neither are hairless beavers. For whatever reason(s) in recent years, ladies have insisted upon shaving or lasering off all of their curlies. Well, if some man was behind this travesty, he needs a good beating. The reasons for intentionally balding the beavski might include: […]