How To Date 6-Pack Men

6pack

No, not the beer sort, silly. I’m referring to the guys on the cover of every romance novel—shaven chests and 6-pack abs. Why is that fucking attractive, anyway? There’s no good biological reason. I like tits. I know why I like tits—shapely, puffy ones are signs of nourishment. (God, now I’m thirsty. Be right back.) […]

How To Date Artistic Men

artist

Whether he’s a guitar player, handyman, or a painter, he’ll consider himself an artist, and he’ll have exceptional abilities with his hands, which should be alluring to you. Nothing’s worse than dating a man who pokes your vaganus looking for the love button. Artists have ample dexterity to keep you coming (eh hem) back for […]

How To Date Sarcastic Men

sarcasm

I’ve been told that I can be sarcastic. To which I say, “Who? Me?” All right. I admit, perhaps, on some odd occasions, I can add excess salt to my commentary. This is a coping mechanism, my dear. Men like me are sarcastic to keep us from breaking stuff. It’s how we vent. Better to […]

How To Date Doctors

doc

We certainly have quite a spectrum of men here. Even narrowed to medical doctors, they range from brain surgeons to gynecologists. Gynos. Hmm. How would one date a gyno? That’s interesting. He’s certainly seen his share of lady caves. He should know his way around one, right? They’re all similar—the caves, I mean. Age, race, […]

Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

swype

Her I kinda like the dirty talk Me Oh boy. I suck at it. Me I said suck ha ha Her I love getting my neck kissed. Her And wanna feel your hands on me. Me All right. Sign me up. Her Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it? Her I think you […]

How To Date Honest Men

honest

You say you want to know what he’s thinking. You want truth from him. You want to trust that he’ll keep his promises. You want honest opinions. Are you sure? I’ve found my honesty is appreciated only when it reinforces her stance, otherwise it causes conflict. Conflict causes resentment, which causes punishment, which causes scarcity […]

How To Date Bikers

biker

There are two sorts of bikers, and they couldn’t be more different. One wears leather, grows a scraggly beard, has numerous tats, and could knock the horn off a rhino. The other wears silly knickers, tap dance shoes, a goofy helmet with a rear-view mirror, and could get knocked out by a raindrop. You’d probably […]

How To Date Ex-Boyfriends

exbf

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, it’s as predictable as rain in Seattle. You’re going to encounter that man who breaks your heart numerous times, then you’ll find a technicality to justify your guilty displeasure. If you describe him to a friend, and the sentence ends in one of the following, I’m talking to you. … […]

How To Date Kinky Men

kinky2

Things have been ho-hum in the bedroom, have they? Your previous lover was as exciting as soccer? Well, what you need is a little visit from Dr. Clittickler and his bag of naughty goodies. Hey, don’t feel guilty at all. It’s easy to slip into routine sex. If you’ve caught yourself saying any of the […]

How To Date Therapists

therapist

He knows you better than any man you ever dated. How could you not experience some transference? Ooh, that comfy couch, soft lighting, and the smell of mahogany. Plus, he’s not going to be poking and guessing; he’ll be asking, “How does that make you feel?” I don’t care what kind of oath Dr. Feelgood […]

How To Date Gentlemen

gentle

Women seem to fall into three categories here. They either expect, appreciate, or are uncomfortable when treated like a lady. I’m sure it has something to do with their fathers. No matter. We like what we like, right? You can tell which type of woman you are by gauging your response when a man holds […]

How To Date Baseball Players

baseball

Although anyone in decent shape with some hand-eye coordination will hate to be lumped in with softball players, I’m a-lumping. Why? Because they’re similar enough, and I’m lazy. So sue me. I’ve played some form of baseball for almost 45 years. I should know what it takes to date a man who scratches his balls […]

How To Date Disc Jockeys

dj

You women certainly can’t help yourselves around popular men, can you? In the past ten years or so—naturally, the years right after I stopped DJing—club disc jockeys have become pseudo celebrities. It doesn’t matter if most are hipster geeks with awful fashion sense and the highly-overrated skill of knowing what people like. It doesn’t matter […]

How To Date Cheap Men

cheap

There’s a big difference between frugal men and a broke men. Often, frugal (cheap) men are quite well-off; they simply struggle with removing wallets from pockets. If you’re dating Charlie Cheapster, you had better learn to enjoy dinner at four, or buying your own. There are practical reasons to date the cheap guy. Chances are […]

How To Date Match.com Men

Woman excited with laptop

When you re-enter the murky dating pool after a series of relationship flops, you need to be prepared. If you’re even slightly more attractive than a day-old roast beef sandwich, you’re going to filter through lots of lying men. It’s best to have a strategy in place, or you’ll waste many nights you would have […]