Fifty Shades of Silver – Bundled, Boxed, Bound

FiftyShadesSilver-Thrillogy3D600

It’s coming, just like you. Get it now at Amazon.

Not So Nice Guy – Cover Reveal

NotSoNiceGuyBook_coverfull_

2014 Screw It Chianti Government Warning: (1) According to the author, women should drink lots of alcoholic beverages whenever he is in the vicinity. Also, women who are pregnant aren’t supposed to drink alcohol because it could fuck up the offspring. Phil assumes his mother drank heavily during his gestation, hence she is partially responsible […]

Recipe: Mug Cake

mugcake

Sounds kind of gross, huh? Almost like “meat cake.” Well, it’s not gross; it’s delicious, and pretty easy to make, or this lazy ass right here wouldn’t bother. Shit you need: A mug. (Fucking duh.) Butter Sugar Eggs Sour Cream Vanilla Flour Baking Powder Brown Sugar Cinnamon Paddles to revive you from the heart attack […]

Recipe: Beer-garita

beergar

Boss (or spouse) being a noodge? Dog ate a shoe? Cat puked? Offspring making you crazy? You need a drink, don’t ya? Well, allow me. You need: 1 can of frozen Limeaid concentrate. This stuff confuses the fuck out of me. Who drinks Limeaid? I mean, without alcohol? Nobody. Yet, there’s fucking stacks of it […]

Recipe: Atsa Good Meat-a-ball

meatballs

I am Italian, as evidenced by my furry body and the fact that I exude shiny oils. Some days, my fucking fivehead could grease a pan. I know, ew. Sorry. Well, being what I am, I should know how to make a good meatball. Um, I do. These little babies will melt your panties. Go […]

Recipe: Grown-Up Breakfast

redmill

Ever stare at yourself in the mirror right after you wake up, and wonder who the porker in the mirror is? I do it daily. Pisses me off, actually. That fat prick is ruining my sex life. I’m like oh for winter. Fuck. It would make so much better sense if, as we gained weight, […]

Recipe: Butt-Burning Chili

chili

If you don’t have a slow cooker, go get one (unless you live in Boston, for obvious reasons). Slow cookers fucking rule! There’s some timing involved here, so pay attention. Also, I’m not getting too specific about how much of each ditty to pick up, because chili flavor is and should be fucking subjective. Make […]

Recipe: Mom’s Stuffed Artichokes

arti

“Ma, I need something quick and easy I can whip up to impress a date.” “You’re cooking for her? Sounds like a special girl. Is it serious?” “Ma, food–talking food here.” “Fine, don’t talk to your mother about it; just write it in your books.” “That’s how I do.” “How about artichokes? They’re a little […]

Recipe: Hung-Way-Over Soup

ramen

Shhh. Quietly. My brain is throbbing. Fucking whiskey. People, don’t mix whiskey with anything but water, or you’ll feel similar to me right now–red-eyed lump of shit. No time to think. Make this. Get Chili Flavored Ramen Soup. Put about an inch and a half of water in a pot. Open the soup packet over […]

Recipe: Damn Good Cream Cheese Cupcakes

cccupcakes

I always impress the shit out of women when I feed them these little fuckers. I don’t even know why. Guess it’s all the chocolate, and evidence that parts other than my swinging pecker actually work. Steps, which are simple as a pimple: Go to the grocery store and get Duncan Heinz Triple Chocolate cake […]

Recipe: Bachelor’s Dessert Lasagna

icebox

I could eat a whole pan of this in one night … then hate myself even more. Make sure you have a square glass lasagna pan. If you don’t, go buy a fucking cake pop at Starbucks. If you do, hit the grocery store and pick up bananas, graham crackers, vanilla pudding, and chocolate pudding. […]

Recipe: Pop’s Eggs

peppeggs

  tree inches or so of pepperoni–the thin dry stuff not the cheap shit, and don’t be a pussy and peel it two/tree eggs–me tree, you, I don’t know cube the fucking pepperoni, trow it in a pan, let ‘em fry, flip the fuckers, don’t burn ‘em, you should have a nice orange grease puddle […]

Not So Nice Guy – INTRODUCTION

I don’t know if this just comes with age or what, but I’m less patient with my relationships, when I should probably be more patient. The first sign of any drama, no matter how sexually starved I happen to be, and I lose her number. Perhaps, this makes me unpopular with the ladies. Maybe, I’m […]

Not So Nice Guy

notsonice

Don’t you cringe while waiting for feedback? Whether you’re making a stew or writing a book, somebody is waiting to give you an opinion. The thing I’ve learned about opinions (aside form the asshole analogy) is that there’s no arguing an opinion. If she likes it, she likes it. If she hates it, I can’t […]

Apathy Training

homer

“What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” “I don’t know, and I don’t care.” We’re nearing the end of another drama-filled year. Now that the 2013 toilet is full, I suggest we flush it. Let’s start 2014 with a new mission: Care less about things we have little to no control over. Deal? It’s a […]