How To Date Therapists

therapist

He knows you better than any man you ever dated. How could you not experience some transference? Ooh, that comfy couch, soft lighting, and the smell of mahogany. Plus, he’s not going to be poking and guessing; he’ll be asking, “How does that make you feel?” I don’t care what kind of oath Dr. Feelgood […]

How To Date Gentlemen

gentle

Women seem to fall into three categories here. They either expect, appreciate, or are uncomfortable when treated like a lady. I’m sure it has something to do with their fathers. No matter. We like what we like, right? You can tell which type of woman you are by gauging your response when a man holds […]

How To Date Baseball Players

baseball

Although anyone in decent shape with some hand-eye coordination will hate to be lumped in with softball players, I’m a-lumping. Why? Because they’re similar enough, and I’m lazy. So sue me. I’ve played some form of baseball for almost 45 years. I should know what it takes to date a man who scratches his balls […]

How To Date Disc Jockeys

dj

You women certainly can’t help yourselves around popular men, can you? In the past ten years or so—naturally, the years right after I stopped DJing—club disc jockeys have become pseudo celebrities. It doesn’t matter if most are hipster geeks with awful fashion sense and the highly-overrated skill of knowing what people like. It doesn’t matter […]

How To Date Cheap Men

cheap

There’s a big difference between frugal men and a broke men. Often, frugal (cheap) men are quite well-off; they simply struggle with removing wallets from pockets. If you’re dating Charlie Cheapster, you had better learn to enjoy dinner at four, or buying your own. There are practical reasons to date the cheap guy. Chances are […]

How To Date Match.com Men

Woman excited with laptop

When you re-enter the murky dating pool after a series of relationship flops, you need to be prepared. If you’re even slightly more attractive than a day-old roast beef sandwich, you’re going to filter through lots of lying men. It’s best to have a strategy in place, or you’ll waste many nights you would have […]

How To Date Soccer Players

soccer

So, you want a lean man with abs, do ya? Tatted up, funky-haired Beckham got you all dewy in your Lululemons, did he? Fine. You’re going to need an assist from your favorite old-fielder, me. (Ow, fuck! I just caught a nail on the period key. Shit. Ow, Jesus. Time out. Wait … wait … […]

How To Date Coworkers

coworker

Face it, you probably spend more time with coworkers than you spend with lovers. Why not combine the two? Well, aside from the possibilities of losing your job or spouse, I can see no reason. Have at him, my dear. There are countless circumstances that could be in play. He could be: Your boss – […]

How To Date Rich Men

sugar

Forget everything you know about Donald Sterling. Yes, he’s a silly twat, but his woman is a conniving c-word. If she had nearly as many brains as vision problems, she would have continued wielding Don’s Black Amex card while she discreetly banged the United Nations. If you’ve landed yourself a financial whale, I hope you […]

How To Date Silly Men

silly

Come here, you. Goochie, goochie, goo! Hey, pull my finger. Do it. But seriously, why not date a comedian? Who couldn’t use a few more laughs each day to go along with the drive-by shootings on the news? True, silly men aren’t always the hunkiest. You’ve got Steve Carell, Seth Rogan, and Pee Wee Herman—not […]

How To Date American Men

american

There are two possible reasons to date American men: citizenship and baseball. If you live in an awful place where they treat women like pets, it’s a great reason to seek asylum in the arms of a beer-bellied, unlucky-with-women okey doke from the USA. Oh, and there’s baseball. Nothing beats a walk off, woman, and […]

How To Date Bald Men

bald

There are two types of bald men: men who have lost enough hair to give up and shave the rest off, and men in the same predicament who won’t admit it. These men are quite different beasts. Know which type you’re after before proceeding, or you might end up with an insecure melon. The safest […]

How To Date iTwats

200449809-001

What did we do before mobile phones? We surely had better eyesight, and straighter necks. People sitting around a bar were somewhat forced to speak to each other instead of posting food pictures. Well, the devices have become part of us, so I guess we should deal with it. In fact, go ahead and take […]

How To Date Dads

datedad

Chances are, you’ll encounter a few fathers during your dating endeavors. There’s something to be said about a man with children—caring, loving, patient, unavailable, stressed, frazzled, exhausted, condom-phobic, etc. I don’t have children. In fact, I’m fixed so I won’t have any oopsies either. But, many of my friends are fathers and grandfathers. I appreciate […]

How To Date Drunks

drunk

We of tortured liver clan, are not to be overlooked when seeking a mate. Drunks can be fun. Whiskey dick can be pleasant. You must first determine the type of drunk he is: Violent: AVOID Happy: PURSUE Driving: AVOID Biking: PURSUE Puking: AVOID Dancing: PURSUE Unconscious: AVOID Up All Night: PURSUE Got it? Good. Now, […]