How To Date Republican Men

repub

Why don’t you go adopt a puppy instead? Have you considered full on lesbianism? Why not? Guys suck, in general. You wouldn’t need to worry about getting knocked up. Think of the Greenhouse Effect: Gaseous emissions in your bedroom would be greatly reduced. There are a few rich liberals out there, you know. Fuck. Just […]

How To Date Confident Men

confident

He’s a well-established man with a plan, and you might be part of it. Pay no attention to that alter ego behind the curtain. The man you want is in your face. He has a richly scented air about him. He doesn’t need you; he wants to embellish himself with you. You’re OK with that? […]

How To Date Tall Men

tall

Finally, you get to break out those five-inchers you could never wear with the ex. You’ll sport a perky, bouncy butt for Big Ben to enjoy. Wonderful! The benefits of having a tall fellow around far outweigh the drawbacks. You can have him fetch rarely-used plates from top shelves. He can dust the tops of […]

How To Date Brown Men

brown

Sensitive? Me? Not really—OK, around the nipples a bit. But, if you’re easily offended (Really? And, you made it this far?), best skip this chapter. Like purses and shoes, men come in different colors. I don’t care what color man you prefer any more than I care what color clutch you carry. Still, certain shades […]

How To Date Yoga Men

yogi

Heterosexual men who do yoga do it for one of two reasons: to meet women or to get more limber … while meeting women. So, if you find a cutie in your class, you can be confident that he wouldn’t mind downward doggy-styling you. I don’t do yoga. Yes, I know I should for various […]

How To Date 6-Pack Men

6pack

No, not the beer sort, silly. I’m referring to the guys on the cover of every romance novel—shaven chests and 6-pack abs. Why is that fucking attractive, anyway? There’s no good biological reason. I like tits. I know why I like tits—shapely, puffy ones are signs of nourishment. (God, now I’m thirsty. Be right back.) […]

How To Date Artistic Men

artist

Whether he’s a guitar player, handyman, or a painter, he’ll consider himself an artist, and he’ll have exceptional abilities with his hands, which should be alluring to you. Nothing’s worse than dating a man who pokes your vaganus looking for the love button. Artists have ample dexterity to keep you coming (eh hem) back for […]

How To Date Sarcastic Men

sarcasm

I’ve been told that I can be sarcastic. To which I say, “Who? Me?” All right. I admit, perhaps, on some odd occasions, I can add excess salt to my commentary. This is a coping mechanism, my dear. Men like me are sarcastic to keep us from breaking stuff. It’s how we vent. Better to […]

How To Date Doctors

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We certainly have quite a spectrum of men here. Even narrowed to medical doctors, they range from brain surgeons to gynecologists. Gynos. Hmm. How would one date a gyno? That’s interesting. He’s certainly seen his share of lady caves. He should know his way around one, right? They’re all similar—the caves, I mean. Age, race, […]

Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

swype

Her I kinda like the dirty talk Me Oh boy. I suck at it. Me I said suck ha ha Her I love getting my neck kissed. Her And wanna feel your hands on me. Me All right. Sign me up. Her Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it? Her I think you […]

How To Date Honest Men

honest

You say you want to know what he’s thinking. You want truth from him. You want to trust that he’ll keep his promises. You want honest opinions. Are you sure? I’ve found my honesty is appreciated only when it reinforces her stance, otherwise it causes conflict. Conflict causes resentment, which causes punishment, which causes scarcity […]

How To Date Bikers

biker

There are two sorts of bikers, and they couldn’t be more different. One wears leather, grows a scraggly beard, has numerous tats, and could knock the horn off a rhino. The other wears silly knickers, tap dance shoes, a goofy helmet with a rear-view mirror, and could get knocked out by a raindrop. You’d probably […]

How To Date Ex-Boyfriends

exbf

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, it’s as predictable as rain in Seattle. You’re going to encounter that man who breaks your heart numerous times, then you’ll find a technicality to justify your guilty displeasure. If you describe him to a friend, and the sentence ends in one of the following, I’m talking to you. … […]

How To Date Kinky Men

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Things have been ho-hum in the bedroom, have they? Your previous lover was as exciting as soccer? Well, what you need is a little visit from Dr. Clittickler and his bag of naughty goodies. Hey, don’t feel guilty at all. It’s easy to slip into routine sex. If you’ve caught yourself saying any of the […]

How To Date Therapists

therapist

He knows you better than any man you ever dated. How could you not experience some transference? Ooh, that comfy couch, soft lighting, and the smell of mahogany. Plus, he’s not going to be poking and guessing; he’ll be asking, “How does that make you feel?” I don’t care what kind of oath Dr. Feelgood […]