Is Love a Choice?

Somewhat. You need to choose to love a thing in order to love it, right? Addicted folks will groan and say, “I would never choose this.” Isn’t it the effect they wouldn’t choose? I love Hendricks gin. I love the taste and how it makes me feel, to an extent. If I love it too […]

The Writer’s Dilemma

When asked what I do, if I’m not in a wiseass mood, I’ll say I’m an author who writes humor about relationships. The typical response includes skepticism, laughter, and the shared desire to someday write a book. I recommend against it. “But, wait a minute. You did.” “I also threw a red beach towel in […]

Are You Hitting on Me?

I doubt it. I mean, I’m flattered if you are. But, are you? I should know, huh? Damn. I would hit on you. Sure. Yep, you’re cute. In fact, I think I have been hitting on you—subconsciously. Can you tell? Hello? Where’d you go? There’s quite an internal struggle that goes on during mating season, […]

Man Relapse

This affliction works both ways, but, since I usually wind up counseling the damsel in distress, I’ll analyze why women return to men who have mistreated them. I rarely have women return to me, so my methods of mistreatment must be exceptional. Not proud. Just sayin’. The top reasons why women return to horrible mates: […]

The Narcissistic Generation

Social media has created an entire generation of look-at-me people. What happened to doing things without considering how to post it and many likes it might get? This attention whore dysfunction has bled into disconnected activities. Pfizer needs to come up with a cure before I tear through my favorite bar’s gin supply while self-medicating. […]

The Fine Art of the Booty Call

Like I said at the beginning of the book, this is purely fiction. Not true stuff. Never happened. Nope. Making it all up here. Not talking about you, Miss. I’d never. Just being silly, silly me. Now, the most enjoyable sex I’ve had is booty-call sex. How about you? Oh, only love making with a […]

Your Woman Might Have Blue Balls

All right, boys. Huddle up. Coach Phil is here to go over a new playbook to keep us from being shut out. Oh, I’m serious, fuckers. If you don’t want to spend your weekends with your hairy knuckles instead of the fine scent of a woman, you had best shape up. Before we go over […]

Quit Your Makin’ People Happy Job

Are you frustrated? Feel unappreciated? Never seem to get from your relationships anything close to what you invest? Well, babycakes, since you can’t control people, there’s only one solution: Do your best, and fuck ’em if they don’t like it. It’s a horrible assignment. That’s why clowns are suicidal, stand-up comedians are addicts, and servers […]

What Do You Want? Do You Know?

Guessing is fun until you’re about five, then it becomes stressful. We guess on tests, stock purchases, roulette, vitamins, and flu shots, only to worry and question ourselves. We guess in relationships all the time. No matter how well we think we know our lovers, we probably fall well short of expectations. This is a […]

Why is Everyone Breaking Up?

A friend lamented to me and my frosty beverage about struggles with her man. Good listener was I. Good listener was bartender too. She piled on some lament of her own, announcing her recent separation from Tyrannosaurus Ex. My heart leapt with joy! More available women means more vacant parking spaces for my love. “It […]

Meet My Mom

Nothing is worse than meeting a delicious specimen who gives you that lustful look, then says, “Oh my god, you’re perfect. You need to meet my mom.” This is how old creepers are created. Yes, I know I misinterpreted the lust. After 54 years, you’d think I could get that right. My gay-dar works. I […]

I Shouldn’t Like You

I hate this part of me. Well aware of it, though. Logic should override biology. It can’t. I’m crazy about you, though I know you may not be good for me. Why is this? Why do we want what we should not have? Is there some obscure silliness going on, and our minds don’t have […]

Ooh, I Need a Dirty Woman

There are those women who enjoy the occasional hair pulling, dirty talk, and spanking. I get it. There’s a time for love making, and there’s a time for fucking. (And, fuck if I know which is when.) Well, here’s news for ya ladies: Men go through similar sexual mood swings. There comes a time—after a […]

Is it Hot or Douchey?

I’m so frustrated. It’s as fruitless as buying stock or picking horses at the track for me. I rarely have what I’m about to do or say interpreted properly, leading to my desired outcome. Here’s an example. Years ago, I had a surprise one-nighter while on a company trip. My coworker roommate (bless his heart), […]

Top 10 Rituals to Keep You Single

I’m fucking tired of top ten lists, aren’t you? There won’t be ten anything here. I’m using that headline because titles using “top” tend to get more clicks, and I’m a click whore. So, I was reading about all these cute little couple rituals to help them stay together—leaving a morning love note on the […]