How to Date Men – Now Available – Free on Kindle Unlimited

How-to-Date-Men_Paperback

So, you want a man? Allow me to guide you through the jungle of hairy beasts. 99% of your romantic relationships have failed. You are the common denominator, so logic would say you suck at relationships. The problem isn’t in the picker, it’s in the picking. In this book, I lend my expertise as the […]

Top Ten Things You Need to Know Before Attempting to Date Men

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You are embarking on a perilous trek, my sweet. Be prepared, or be home on the sofa with five cats and a big bowl of ice cream. Remember these while desperately seeking stupid: Men fart … a lot. If a man can’t get it hard for you, his problem isn’t physical, it’s mental. Fuck Viagra. […]

How To Date The Last Man

lastman

That’s the goal, right? You’ve waded through this sea of dysfunctional tadpoles to find the best fit. You’ve tolerated all sorts of masculine silliness. You’ve experienced varieties of physical and emotional approaches. From those, you’ve identified your preferences. Heck, knowing you, you’ve probably made a list. If your list reads, “I just want someone to […]

How To Date Writers

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It cracks me up when the woman I’m dating says, “You’re not allowed to write about this.” That, to me and my fellow scribes, is a dare we cannot resist. Of course, I’m going to write about this. Oh, I’ll exaggerate, embellish, and change the names, but write is what I do. I suppose if […]

How To Date Festive Men

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Got your eyes on a fellow proudly wearing an ugly sweater? If he has on a Santa cap, and is defiling a wine glass with an obnoxious ornament, he’s got you gooey? Please tell me he doesn’t have mistletoe hanging in the kitchen doorway. He does? Lovely. Well, I hope you are introverted, because there’s […]

How To Date Childlike Men

manbabies

You may have read that title, and suspected that I meant childish, not childlike. Au contraire, mon frere. Whereas this tome has been quite childish at times, I’m referring to men who want to be treated like children. Yes, they exist, as do motherly women who accommodate their desires. Take, for example, the trending act […]

How To Date Shy Men

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I realize most women find confidence attractive. I’ve seen men who have no chance of bedding certain women overcome daunting obstacles—height, weight, hair plugs, Hawaiian shirts—with attitude. I find most of these men to be detestable braggarts. Perhaps, you do as well. Maybe that’s why you prefer quietly secure men. I applaud you with a […]

How To Date Romantic Men

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Romance is subjective. Do you agree? I don’t care, actually, because I’m writing this, so deal with my perversion of the subject at hand, or put down this book, wipe, and get back to work. Guess that wasn’t so romantic of me. Apologies. Now, every woman I meet dreams of being swept off her feet […]

How To Date Young Men

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You naughty, spotted beast, you! Now, what possible joy could a much younger man bring you? Orgasm, schmorgasm. According to Wikipedia, men over the age of forty are twice as likely to bring a woman to orgasm in under twenty minutes. (OK, maybe I’m making this up.) Why you gotta be so superficial, yo? Whatever. […]

How To Date Longtime Single Men

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Specifically, I’m referring to men who have previously cohabitated with the finer sex, but not in the past five plus years. Why is this its own genre? Because we—I mean they are rare birds, requiring special handling. As a man spends more and more time alone, or with pets, he begins to develop an intolerance. […]

How To Date Lumbersexuals

Lumbersexual

Well, this is a new type of rugged dude, eh? His face resembles the turf in Green Bay after a muddy October game—patches of scraggly fuzz. His closet contains three plaid flannel shirts, each with cigarette burns and missing buttons. He probably has stretched-out knit caps, too-tight jeans, and boots with laces dangling. You like? […]

How To Date Lazy Men

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Here’s a pet peeve of mine: Dirty dishes left in the sink or, worse yet, on the counter above the dishwasher. The person who does this is, indeed, lazy. This person needs to be smitten (not the loving kind). So, if this sort of nonsense annoys you, don’t date a lazy man. He’s had way […]

How To Date The Other Man

Man proposing to unsure woman

I’m sure you’ve had this happen, multiple times: You’re on a ponderous date with Mr. Tedium and, lo and behold, right across from you appears Mr. Moreright. You don’t want to be rude, but “oh, my gawd,” this new guy is just dreamy. The date you’re on is heading nowhere. Heck, you’ll probably feign a […]

How To Date Men at a Titty Bar

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If you’re not a stripper, you can skip this. Then again, the man you date might occasionally visit such an establishment, so you might as well understand how he’s treated. If you are a stripper, I’m sitting on my hands, I don’t have my wallet right now, and no, I don’t want a fucking VIP […]

How To Date Republican Men

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Why don’t you go adopt a puppy instead? Have you considered full on lesbianism? Why not? Guys suck, in general. You wouldn’t need to worry about getting knocked up. Think of the Greenhouse Effect: Gaseous emissions in your bedroom would be greatly reduced. There are a few rich liberals out there, you know. Fuck. Just […]