The Proper Hug

It’s weird to greet women I meet with my hand extended. Thanks to our Pervert in Chief elect, women often react to that by covering their cats, not extending their hands. I won’t bother trying to kiss the back of a hand. My nose doesn’t need more deviation. So, it seems, the thing to do […]

Walking Away from Angry Boys

Angry white boys spoke up and put the angry orange boy in the White House. Nobody likes dealing with angry people, but some of us are required to deal with them in the form of politicians, customers, reviewers, bosses, lovers, and family members. You can’t avoid most of those, but you certainly can remove angry […]

Sedation or Suicide?

My reaction when people proudly say they’ve quit drinking is, “Good for you. More for me.” Same reaction when they quit gluten and bacon. Look, I’m not saying drinking is good for you—it’s good for me. As long as I don’t drive, pee in a planter, or puke in your cat box, what’s the harm? […]

Your Comfort Human

Every news channel is showing crowded airports. ’Tis the season to wait in lines. The new addition this year is this ridiculous thing called “The Comfort Dog.” Yes, this partly because I’m a cat man and partly because anything other than a comfort panda is just plain silly. Are these tiny, wet-nosed, black-gummed, gooey-eyed face […]

All Right, I Need to be Nicer

I began driving for Uber to get me out of the house, meet people, and make funds much needed to upgrade from propane-tasting vodka to something better. I’ve been avoiding the 2am drunk-ass rides for obvious reasons, so I’m happy to report most of my riders are quite nice. In fact, I picked up a […]

Stop Sleeping with Powerful Men

Yes, I’m talking to you, sexy ladies. You criticize men for being shallow when selecting mates. We are, absolutely. In fact, we can’t override our instincts with logic when sex is involved. Guilty. But, as immature as we are, men rarely sleep with a woman based on her social standing or perception thereof. I can’t […]

How to Grab a Man by His Junk*

Since our president-elect has mastered the art of grabbing a woman by her pussy, I thought it would be only fair for me to provide some guidance around grabbing men. Lord knows, it should be much easier. I mean, it’s kind of just hanging there like a handle. It screams, “Pull me!” Heck, I bet […]

Beginners Guide to Dating

Met a lovely specimen Saturday who recently booted her spouse of twenty years. Instead of eagerly anticipating a new sex toy attached to a less complacent man, she seemed frightened. Where would she meet men? At bars? Should she join a dating site? Get another dog? As a wily veteran who was once in her […]

How Should I Treat You?

When you reward behavior, you encourage it. This applies to dogs and humans. Pop offered me $5 for each “A” on my report card, so I worked hard to get them. I was told to honor, respect, and be kind to others regardless of their gender, skin color, or favorite football team. Excluding Dallas Cowboy […]

Finding Love Was Easy

You join a social gathering. Scan the room. Eyes meet eyes. Smile meets smile. Eyes check left ring fingers. Then, all it took was an approach and, “Hey, you’re cute. My name is Phil. Let’s have drink sometime. Want to? What’s your number?” Bam. Done. Now, I’m forced to scan prospects on this horrible electronic […]

Excuses For Being Single

There are many reasons why one would choose single life, but since we’re genetically shoved toward mating, I guess they’re technically excuses. There’s a difference. If you don’t do your homework, your excuse could be “the dog ate it” but the reason is you found something you’d rather do. So, allow me to examine the […]

Locker Room Talk

I’m in a locker room almost daily (should be daily, but I’m old and uninspired). You know what sort of discussions I hear in the locker room? None. Crickets. We’re either in there to store or retrieve our stuff. Sure, some fellas are brave enough to shower, shave, or blow dry their genitals. Most? Nothing. […]

You’re the Average of Three

Ever hear the claim that we are the average of the three people we hang out most with? Usually, it refers to financial status. Hang with three filthy rich people and some of that dirt will coat you. Unsure I buy into that. It’s more likely to be a symptom instead of the cause. If […]

Generous or Slutty?

I overheard a woman saying, “There’s not a single man in this bar I would sleep with.” “OK, how many married ones?” I intruded. “Very funny. Zero. How many women here would you have sex with?” “I think you know the answer to that question is substantially more than zero.” “What percentage?” “Jesus. I don’t […]

Denied

Women can be heartless, I tell ya. A pair of finely aged specimens sat next to me and my Deep Eddy Vodka last night. One did a few swipes in the car on their way over. She informed us that one particular swipee was on his way to meet her. “What do you know about […]