Insecurity Wanes

Have you ever thought about how your insecurity has changed over the years? Jealousy and envy seem to fade as we age. I remember being crippled by the thought of my high school sweetheart so much as kissing another boy. Now, if my woman is getting side action, I give minuscule shit, as long as […]

Holding It

This can’t be something only I experience, can it? Is it a nervous reaction? Perhaps, something to do with aging, or my some-would-say poor diet choices? Can’t be solely a male thing, either. OK, I’m going to let it out, and you tell me if you can relate. PFFFBBLT! (Excuse me.) Quite often, when I […]

What Makes a Hot Mess?

The phrases of the year so far must be “literally” and “hot mess.” In fact, I’ve heard them literally used in the same sentence. I understand the word “literally.” Yes, I realize it is used improperly most of the time, so I avoid it lest I trigger the red-penned wrath of my editors. I also […]

Hitting on Her

I drag myself to the gym and reluctantly climb aboard my latest nemesis: the curved self-powered treadmill. Next to me is one of the gym’s trainers who is off duty and riding a stationary bike. She’s 30ish and adorable, as one would expect. I appreciate her like a Ferrari—from a safe distance. In the measly […]

Trump Lies for the Bedroom

If I give you a compliment or tell you something you want to believe, you probably think I’m being honest. That’s how Trump has found so much political success, when he deserves absolutely none. He keeps telling masses of people what they want to hear, while he is well aware he is spouting lies. Then, […]

Tasty is the Foot

Often, when trying to lighten the mood, clowns like me serve a verbal gem that winds up causing a good foot chewing. We forget that the things we find amusing may not be taken as intended, or the timing of the delivery has room for improvement. I consider myself a master of crassness and poor […]

Slump-Breaker

Allow me to assist those of you who might be unfamiliar with the term (women). It stems from baseball. When a hitter is struggling over a long period, his teammates will suggest he find a slump-breaker. That “thing” is usually non-baseball related. He is encouraged to do something out of the ordinary to break the […]

Cute

“My girlfriend thinks you’re cute.” “Yeah?” “Sure. Look. Here’s her text.” (It’s a Bitmoji of my admirer winking with the caption, “He’s cute.”) “Right. But, is that cute like a puppy or a mate?” “What do you think?” “Fuck if I know. While I totally appreciate the compliment, it would be nice to know if […]

Despicably Quotable Me

I realize it’s somewhat narcissistic, but I signed up for Mention.com to track my “brand.” My last name is uncommon, so when it shows in a new search result, it’s usually attached to adjectives like “vulgar” and “irreverent.” Meh. I’ll take it. Today, I was notified that I was quoted on Wiktionary. Seems my use […]

Team Cross-Sex

Do we really need someone yelling encouragement to do what’s good for us? That annoyance should have ended with, “Eat your lima beans or no Oreos for you.” We don’t need trainers or teammates telling us to do one more rep. I hated having a spotter while benching. A man’s sweaty nuts inches from my […]

Welcome Back, Beaver

I feared she was gone forever. Hairless cats are not cute. Neither are hairless beavers. For whatever reason(s) in recent years, ladies have insisted upon shaving or lasering off all of their curlies. Well, if some man was behind this travesty, he needs a good beating. The reasons for intentionally balding the beavski might include: […]

How to Make Her Scream

Catchy title, right? I often browse through recommended titles on my Kindle and find interesting ditties. I’m always up for advice, especially when it comes to landing a mate. You never know when someone will come up with a fresh idea for hooking a mate and keeping her on the hook (instead of sneaking around […]

Uber Sex

Wow, times have really changed since I filled out my first Yahoo! Dating profile. It was all about being somewhat serious, embellishing where necessary, and sprinkling in the occasional brag. Then, it was off to the hunting grounds to find a mate who lied at a similar level. Now, tap your Uber app, and in […]

No Means Try Harder?

Sorry, but I was taught at an early age (with a wooden spoon, etc.) that “No” means “NO.” Hence, when I ask for something, especially from a woman, once I hear “No,” off I go. Recently, I had a woman tell me that “No” sometimes means, “No, but, maybe if you try harder, YES.” Are […]

Tinder Tapout

Thank you, Nikki Glaser, for this fun reminder of how dick-driven men are. In case you haven’t seen her show (get out from under that rock), this involves setting up a fake Tinder profile with hot girl photos. Then, men are sought out for chatting. Once connected, ladies begin taking turns responding to the man-fish, […]