Generous or Slutty?

I overheard a woman saying, “There’s not a single man in this bar I would sleep with.” “OK, how many married ones?” I intruded. “Very funny. Zero. How many women here would you have sex with?” “I think you know the answer to that question is substantially more than zero.” “What percentage?” “Jesus. I don’t […]

Denied

Women can be heartless, I tell ya. A pair of finely aged specimens sat next to me and my Deep Eddy Vodka last night. One did a few swipes in the car on their way over. She informed us that one particular swipee was on his way to meet her. “What do you know about […]

Words with Freaks

A trend started that I totally missed: hooking up by playing Words with Friends (WWF). Here I thought Scrabble was a fine way to build one’s vocabulary. Turns out, a few well-placed letter squares can get you mating. Just like a group of ladies at a wine bar will eventually be playing “Show and Cell […]

I Drink Alone

Another year goes buy in a blink. I enjoy a huge bowl of egg drop soup—made for four, eaten four times by one. I retire home to my resting place—the recliner. I’m sore—more than before. Baseball and workouts cause a certain kind of soreness—this one is from old age. My arm hurts. My skin sags. […]

Careful Marking Your Territory

Went to my usual booze puddle last night. Found two vacant bar stools, couple on the right, and single man on the left. I politely asked if either seat were being saved. Homeboy on my left exploded, “Yes, yes, I am saving this.” The couple pleasantly said no, and I sat. My take on homeboy’s […]

Chaser

Damn birds been shitting all over my courtyard. I put up spikes over my door and windows. They gave be the claw, moved five feet over, and shit there. Bastards. Finally, I did what most smart people do—I used this thing called “The Interweb” and asked Amazon WTF my options are. Brilliantly, they suggested the […]

Don’t Give Up, Hope

Han’s lovely wife, Hope Solo (fuck if I know that’s true), got in trouble recently because of her honesty. Seems organizations, unlike people, would rather have their employees lie about their feelings. That’s horse shit. I have no boss, so I can say that without being reprimanded. Whatever you do, Hope, don’t you dare apologize! […]

A Cat Named Scrotoplasty

Ever hear a word and think it’s an excellent choice for your next pet’s name? Well, one of my buds came clean at a dirty dive bar yesterday about an upcoming procedure. Once he mentioned the word (scrotoplasty), all I could think of (to distract me from the painful imagery concocted within my gin-soaked skull) […]

Vagina Repellent – 2016 Edition

I’m driving down a busy street in my electric Chevy Volt (yes, an admitted nominee for repellant). While stopped at a light, a man pulls up next to me in the bike lane. He’s wearing pajama pants tucked into white, mid-calf tube socks, an embroidered back pack, and a silly biker helmet. This was the […]

Girlfriend Causes Writer’s Block

I’ve done some statistical analysis of my writing habits as they relate to my relationship status and found that having a girlfriend pretty much fucks my flow. This is my flaw, not hers. You see, I’m not easily offended. In fact, the one thing that offends me most is easily offended people. You’d find most […]

Solitaire is Best Played Alone

Ever try playing Solitaire or Sudoku, or completing a crossword puzzle with someone over your shoulder? Not so much fun, is it? The uninvited player always has suggestions. Those suggestions, while possibly useful, are usually taken as, “Why are you trying to make me look stupid? I can figure this out on my own.” Being […]

Facebook Love is PDA

… and, it’s gross. Being in a relatively permanent state of singledom, my cynicism gets the best of me, again. That’s why I hate happy couple pictures. “Look at us. Look how happy we are with each other. We are a perfect match. Soul mates. Look at these smiles. You only wish you could find […]

I am the Drug

Do you ever wonder what your role is in others’ lives? Does it matter? Sure. If nothing other than surviving this silliness as long as possible, what could be more important than enhancing someone’s life? I feel used, and I welcome it. If she texts me late tonight, I’ll respond. I’ve done it before. “Are […]

Sex Injury

My buddy had to bow out of playing in a baseball game this weekend due to a foot injury. It happens. Perhaps he dropped a heavy object or twisted it while chasing a criminal? No. He hurt it fucking. Now, I’m old and brittle. Sure, I injure myself more often. There are more aches, pains, […]

Trackers

Remember when Fitbit first came out? How cool! A watch that will count your steps and reward you with a vibration announcing your achievement of 10,000 steps. Then, capabilities expanded to include sleep and weight tracking. All of this conveniently uploaded through WiFi to a website to track progress. I’m a gadget head. I had […]