How To Date Lumbersexuals

Lumbersexual

Well, this is a new type of rugged dude, eh? His face resembles the turf in Green Bay after a muddy October game—patches of scraggly fuzz. His closet contains three plaid flannel shirts, each with cigarette burns and missing buttons. He probably has stretched-out knit caps, too-tight jeans, and boots with laces dangling. You like? […]

How To Date Lazy Men

lazymen

Here’s a pet peeve of mine: Dirty dishes left in the sink or, worse yet, on the counter above the dishwasher. The person who does this is, indeed, lazy. This person needs to be smitten (not the loving kind). So, if this sort of nonsense annoys you, don’t date a lazy man. He’s had way […]

How To Date The Other Man

Man proposing to unsure woman

I’m sure you’ve had this happen, multiple times: You’re on a ponderous date with Mr. Tedium and, lo and behold, right across from you appears Mr. Moreright. You don’t want to be rude, but “oh, my gawd,” this new guy is just dreamy. The date you’re on is heading nowhere. Heck, you’ll probably feign a […]

How To Date Men at a Titty Bar

stripper

If you’re not a stripper, you can skip this. Then again, the man you date might occasionally visit such an establishment, so you might as well understand how he’s treated. If you are a stripper, I’m sitting on my hands, I don’t have my wallet right now, and no, I don’t want a fucking VIP […]

How To Date Republican Men

repub

Why don’t you go adopt a puppy instead? Have you considered full on lesbianism? Why not? Guys suck, in general. You wouldn’t need to worry about getting knocked up. Think of the Greenhouse Effect: Gaseous emissions in your bedroom would be greatly reduced. There are a few rich liberals out there, you know. Fuck. Just […]

How To Date Confident Men

confident

He’s a well-established man with a plan, and you might be part of it. Pay no attention to that alter ego behind the curtain. The man you want is in your face. He has a richly scented air about him. He doesn’t need you; he wants to embellish himself with you. You’re OK with that? […]

How To Date Tall Men

tall

Finally, you get to break out those five-inchers you could never wear with the ex. You’ll sport a perky, bouncy butt for Big Ben to enjoy. Wonderful! The benefits of having a tall fellow around far outweigh the drawbacks. You can have him fetch rarely-used plates from top shelves. He can dust the tops of […]

How To Date Brown Men

brown

Sensitive? Me? Not really—OK, around the nipples a bit. But, if you’re easily offended (Really? And, you made it this far?), best skip this chapter. Like purses and shoes, men come in different colors. I don’t care what color man you prefer any more than I care what color clutch you carry. Still, certain shades […]

How To Date Yoga Men

yogi

Heterosexual men who do yoga do it for one of two reasons: to meet women or to get more limber … while meeting women. So, if you find a cutie in your class, you can be confident that he wouldn’t mind downward doggy-styling you. I don’t do yoga. Yes, I know I should for various […]

How To Date 6-Pack Men

6pack

No, not the beer sort, silly. I’m referring to the guys on the cover of every romance novel—shaven chests and 6-pack abs. Why is that fucking attractive, anyway? There’s no good biological reason. I like tits. I know why I like tits—shapely, puffy ones are signs of nourishment. (God, now I’m thirsty. Be right back.) […]

How To Date Artistic Men

artist

Whether he’s a guitar player, handyman, or a painter, he’ll consider himself an artist, and he’ll have exceptional abilities with his hands, which should be alluring to you. Nothing’s worse than dating a man who pokes your vaganus looking for the love button. Artists have ample dexterity to keep you coming (eh hem) back for […]

How To Date Sarcastic Men

sarcasm

I’ve been told that I can be sarcastic. To which I say, “Who? Me?” All right. I admit, perhaps, on some odd occasions, I can add excess salt to my commentary. This is a coping mechanism, my dear. Men like me are sarcastic to keep us from breaking stuff. It’s how we vent. Better to […]

How To Date Doctors

doc

We certainly have quite a spectrum of men here. Even narrowed to medical doctors, they range from brain surgeons to gynecologists. Gynos. Hmm. How would one date a gyno? That’s interesting. He’s certainly seen his share of lady caves. He should know his way around one, right? They’re all similar—the caves, I mean. Age, race, […]

Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

swype

Her I kinda like the dirty talk Me Oh boy. I suck at it. Me I said suck ha ha Her I love getting my neck kissed. Her And wanna feel your hands on me. Me All right. Sign me up. Her Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it? Her I think you […]

How To Date Honest Men

honest

You say you want to know what he’s thinking. You want truth from him. You want to trust that he’ll keep his promises. You want honest opinions. Are you sure? I’ve found my honesty is appreciated only when it reinforces her stance, otherwise it causes conflict. Conflict causes resentment, which causes punishment, which causes scarcity […]