No kidding. Tell that to Lance. Perhaps he has learned to always keep his mouth shut. I’m so sick of the media and how they are played by celebrities and their agents. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if this was an effort to draw more attention to Lance, and help him sell his next book. There’s a cure for this drug hype, America: stop giving a shit what people do to their bodies in order to entertain you better. If chicks dig the long ball, fast biker, and huge lineman, and those fellas are willing to take the chances associated with enhancers, so be it. It’s not my fucking kidney, so I don’t care.
Imagine if Americans had the same aversion toward artificial image improvements such as hair coloring, plastic surgery, and Photoshop? Should we put models on trial for nips, tucks, and diet pills? No, because men don’t care what makes the woman more attractive. We always appreciate that she is, and never ruin it by thinking about the graphic artist nerd spending hours blending her moles and wrinkles from the shot.
But, back to Wendell’s quote. (Parents, never name your child Wendell.) He’s right; absolutes should be avoided, unless you’re lying. Let’s say I’ve spread a bottle of Merlot across an entire evening of skirt-chasing. Since I never get any pussy, and always leave alone, I hope my drive home isn’t interrupted by a nosy, bored officer. If it is, and he asks me if I’ve had anything to drink, I never incriminate myself and always say I never drink and drive. If he smells alcohol, I say a clumsy bartender spilled a drink, which splashed on me, while she was fetching my diet cola with lemon. If my escape is thwarted, I can always fall back on the old faithful, “Oh, you mean wine counts? That’s not drinking. Scotch–that’s drinking.”
I heard Danica Patrick filed for divorce. Well, she should have never said forever. Vows should always include disclaimers. “Till death do us part” should be appended with “or, till we stop fucking and can’t stand each other, or happen upon someone more fun to hang with.” Always and never are always nice to hear when you’re in love, but never practical.
I had another prime example play out right next to me last night, yes, at the bar. A young couple flirted and teased, see-sawing between love and hate. She was drunk, which always adds drama. He wasn’t as drunk, so he sat and took it like a (weak) man. She was so mad at him at one point that she said, “You know, I could have just about any man at this bar.” Then she began greeting other men and flirting with them. I wanted to encourage him to always be a gentleman, but never a fool for love. She returned and he confronted her. She backhanded him. He said ouch, covered his eye, and took it. Now, I never condone hitting a girl. Even Chris Rock’s suggestion around grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking the shit out of her is dangerous. Still, he didn’t have to encourage this nonsense by staying. Always keep your pride, never make a scene, always flee when the opportunity presents itself, and never let your prospects see you cower.
One more pet peeve; never use the word “incredible.” I heard that word a dozen times last night on the Bachelor 17, and not once used properly. Incredible means impossible to believe. If the woman is incredible, it’s not a good thing. Never say you had an incredible time with someone, unless it was George Bush. Always say you had a wonderful time with an amazing person, unless it was George Bush.