We’re going to make this movie, and we’re going to release it before Universal Pictures is even done filming the original. Big deal, they hired screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, to translate the books into a movie. I’m not impressed. Why? Because her last project was about Walt Fucking Disney. How do you make the leap from Goofy the pot-bellied dog to Christian the horse-cocked metal ball slinger? You don’t. That movie will suck. I guarantee it.
Marcel insists the movie will have an NC-17 rating. Whoop-de-kinky-doo. Ours will probably have an R rating because we don’t feel the need to show a penis on screen (they’re sort of unsightly, no?). Frankly, we all know teenagers sneak into R movies, and most already know plenty about sex. It is far better for a male teen to know how to operate a vibrating glove than how to remove a bloody harpoon. Think about it, parents: Would you rather catch Little Johnny giving Little Susan a through-the-jeans orgasm (it can happen), or grabbing a ripcord? I concur and support thee.
Now, one may be tempted to point out the fact that there’s plenty of bizarre boffery going on in my Fifty Shades of Silver series. Indeed. One might also assume all of that bangery will need to make the gooey leap onto the big screen in order to keep the story intact. Indeed, again. How could we possibly deliver an Oscar-worthy sperm-jerker, with the (spoiler alert) coup d’Ã©tat of the “Butt Plug Challenge,” and maintain an R rating? Good question. Perhaps there will be some pixelation. I’m just a writer. Give me a break. Jeez. All right, what if we don’t show the actual plug in-buttero, but show it in slow motion tumbling through the air as the challenge is lost? I beg you, MPAA, to reconsider. If the butt plug is clean, it belongs in the scene.
By this point you must be dewy with anticipation, and craving to get involved with this project if, for no other reason than to prove funny American screw-a-pa-looza is better than snooty British kinky fuckery.
Well, that’s easy…
Go to the KickStarter project immediately (not like right now, finish reading first, please), and select a sponsorship level. You’re a few simple clicks away from having your name immortalized in the credits or, if you’re exceptionally driven, playing an actual role in the movie. Here’s a sampling of the many levels of sponsorship to choose from:
- $2 – You get ugatz. WTF? Fine, a thank you, maybe. A fucking venti drip costs more. Pry open that wallet, will ya?
- $10 – Your name will appear in the credits, which nobody but you and your parents will attempt to read as they fly by at warp speed. Come on, step it up!
- $25 – You get everything above and a digital copy of Fifty Shades of Silver Hair and Socks, ideal for your Kindle in your left hand while doing naughty things with your right.
- $350 – You get everything above, a signed DVD, and you get to play an extra in the movie. Holy shee-it? Ain’t that great? It up to you if you’d like to expose an areola or two. I say go for it.
- $900 – You’ll be an associate producer and your name will be immortalized in IMDb. Damn! Look at the big aspirations on you.
- $3500 – You’ll star in an important scene, and you’ll get to have dinner with the director and me. I’ll feed you grapes and rub warm oils into your feet, if you have a vagina and get me drunk enough.
- $9500 – You get so much amazing stuff, I don’t even know where to start. Co-producer, casting rights, accommodations, and tickets to the after party, where there may be free drugs, naked people, and a warm chocolate fountain.
There ya go. How could one resist? If you do nothing, you’ll be forced to endure the hype over that British slop. If you step up to the sex swing, you’ll be a part of cinematic history (with sore ass cheeks).
Go now, and show those Brits we know how to find the g-spot: Support the Fifty Shades of Silver Movie!