Come here, you. Goochie, goochie, goo! Hey, pull my finger. Do it.
But seriously, why not date a comedian? Who couldn’t use a few more laughs each day to go along with the drive-by shootings on the news? True, silly men aren’t always the hunkiest. You’ve got Steve Carell, Seth Rogan, and Pee Wee Herman—not exactly prom kings. I assure you, though, if you were to compare their penises with, say, Clive Owen’s, you’d hardly be able to tell the difference. And, as an added bonus, you’ll enjoy a masterful post-coital standup routine.
Foolish women look past these clowns. You should not. A boring man with a chiseled chest is fun for about five minutes. Sure, the funny guy won’t be the best at physically defending you, but he could disarm most situations with humor. It’s a rare skill.
For example, if an angry ex-boyfriend shows up while you’re cooking dinner together with your funny pet, there’s no need to dial 9-1-1. The funny guy will handle the situation so well, it’s likely he’ll become good friends with your ex. Perhaps the funny guy will introduce himself as Dr. Vagiclean, there to assist with removing your genital warts. That should send the ex away promptly.
Since your new love is at his best on-stage, you’ll need to support him. Laugh at his jokes and shenanigans, even if you don’t get them or have heard them six times. Watch those “hysterical” YouTube videos he forwards to you. Learn the funny movie quotes he’ll constantly toss at inappropriate times. If he’s a serious prankster, take a deep breath and remember, your eyebrow will grow back.
Your friends are going to love this jolly new love of yours. That’s great, right? You’ll be invited to more backyard picnics. More picnics means more sausage sandwiches, kick ball, and cake walks. What fun! All of your girlfriends’ boyfriends will befriend him. None of your girlfriends will want to fuck him because, like a Shar Pei, he’s cute, but not cute enough.
If you’ve decided to seek a comic to help lighten your days, I’ll provide some tips. Most groups of men contain a hunk, a token ethnic, a fat guy, and a funny guy. Watch the flock for a few minutes before making your move. You need to be sure who is who. Telltale signs of the funny guy are:
- He gives his bros wedgies and monkey dicks.
- He shakes a beer.
- He makes animal noises.
- He cups farts and throws them.
- He delivers awful pick-up lines to servers.
- He wears salmon shorts and Hawaiian shirts.
- He puts french fries in his nose.
Once you’ve identified Hilarious Harry, approach him, smile, and say something clever like, “You must be from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see.”
He’ll probably propose on the spot, or at least spit beer out his nose, and tickle you. Enjoy his silliness, and keep him away from funerals, traffic court, and yoga classes.