Seems people are list-happy, based on blogs I’ve perused lately. The top five reasons might be:
- Uneventful lives.
- Depressing news with excessive crime and insufficient weather woman cleavage.
- Basketball is squeaky, college players are zitty, and sweat mops are gross.
- Work is boring as street sweeping, especially if you’re a street sweeper.
- We’re plum out of cute puppy memes.
Well, if we’re stuck with lists, we must demand more relevant lists. For example, a great top five list would be dating-related.
Top five things to do on a first date:
- Have sex.
- Bump fuzzies.
- Play hide the sausage.
Top five things to avoid on a first date:
- A torn ACL.
Those are some handy lists right there! Easy to read; easy to remember. No wonder people are loving lists.
Since today is the first day of spring, there’s a need for another list.
Top five things to discard during spring cleaning:
- Bedazzled anything.
- The phone numbers of every ex you’d be tempted to toss a mercy fuck after three glasses of red.
- Expired coupons wasting counter space.
- All Fifty Shades books, except for my priceless parodies.
- Richard Marx CDs, which may optionally be used as beer coasters, or stuffed under one leg of a wobbly stool.
Now that you’ve removed all that clutter, you have room for a list of new items.
Top five things you need to acquire:
- A squirt gun you can deploy when someone reaches for your remote, car radio, or cell phone.
- The Fukuoku Black Right Hand Five Finger Vibrating Massage Glove (for ladies), or the Doc Johnson Sasha Grey UR3 Cream Pie Pocket Pussy (for men), or Plastic Flying Fist Party Favors (for Chris Brown).
- Nose hair clippers.
- A bartender who knows how to pour a proper drink.
- The balls to ask your boss for a raise.
What a lovely abode you have designed! Now, it’s time to host a house party. You’ll need this list.
Top five things to serve at your house party:
- Deviled eggs with a light dusting of sea salt and paprika.
- A Tosh.0 marathon.
- Bourbon and cherry juice in sippy cups.
- Copious amounts of marijuana in various forms.
Top five things to avoid serving at your house party:
- Justin Bieber.
- Root beer floats.
- Family, wedding, or vacation videos.
- Cold brie.
- Undercover police officers.
When the party is over and the sun rises on a new day, roll over and see if your bed is being shared with someone unexpected. How unfortunate! Well, allow me to provide a list to ease your pain.
Top five ways to evacuate last night’s mistake:
- Say something to the tune of, “I’m so looking forward to introducing you to my husband. Don’t worry. He rarely carries his gun loaded.”
- Pee the bed.
- Take pictures, text them to your BFF, and then post and tag them on Facebook with the caption, “Look what I stepped in.”
- Begin reading Bible verses aloud.
There ya go. That should do the trick. If not, feel free to email me five reasons to give you five more ways.