FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Washington, DC
Today, U.S. military leaders took another step toward equality by lifting the ban on babies, infants, and toddlers serving in combat positions. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta gave compelling reasons to the press following the historic decision.
“Every try to catch one of those little fuckers? Ain’t easy, is it? Crawling under barbed wire is second nature to an infant. Fuck drones. What we really need is some illegal immigrant babies hopped up on 5-hour ENERGY Shots and titty milk. Let’s hit Walmart and arm those little bastards with assault rifles. Nobody will dare mess with Uncle Sam and his army of diapered destroyers.”
When asked if there are other bans being considered for lifting, Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Martin Dempsey added:
“Heck, yes. Next, we’re going to start clearing out all these silly nursing homes. Too many rotting corpses in there, I tell ya. If one of them ladies can handle a bingo blotter, she can tote an AK-47. Grandpa’s in a wheel chair? No problem. We’ll equip that fucker with jet propulsion and grenade launchers. Sure beats lying in your own excrement, watching Maury.”
We contacted a local Christian group to get their reaction. Reverend Timothy “Dink” Dinkleberry applauded the move.
“As you know, we Christians insist that life begins at conception. Many of those embryos don’t make it to light, anyway, because the mother is doing too many drugs or falling down steps and whatnot. We feel this is a wasted resource. Armed with properly-fitted weapons, a pregnant woman is a killing machine. Think about it: four hands, two hidden. Imagine Baby Bump Barbie on the front lines, flat on her back, knees up, spreading to reveal a soldier in utero? Now that’s shock and awe, I tell ya.”
PETA was contacted, because of the inevitability of where this is all heading. Spokesperson Jane Fullafur had strong opinions.
“What’s next? Armed fucking puppies? This is insane. All right, I’ll admit that turtles are gross. Strapping a remote detonation device to a turtle makes sense, but you’re not going to get a fucking cat to carry a Glock, no matter how light the gun is. How would it push the trigger, for Christ’s sake? Or, maybe these capitol hill asshats think that bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail was a genetically engineered killer instead of a stuffed animal on a string. Dogs can’t fire weapons either. You can’t just throw a fucking Arab and yell fetch. It doesn’t work.”
Well, emotions are certainly high on this topic. We asked Sergeant Kim Lapinit how she felt about being allowed to serve on the front lines.
“Catch me before my morning latte, and nobody will fuck with me, tits or no tits. Now, if it makes my enemy quiver when he sees my three-year-old nephew, Joshua, by my side, why wouldn’t we grant him a few weeks off school and ship him overseas? Shit. It’s probably safer there than most schools.”
She has a point.
